Why should a man pay the bill?
I know that this blog is mostly related to customer’s review. However, since paying the bill is an indispensible part of every visit to the restaurant, I found it sensible to raise this sensitive topic, and express my fair point of view, before anyone asks for it. Another reason for touching this is the inspiration, driven from the multiple conversations with my dear friends (men and women), who found themselves at a loss in the situation.
To begin with, I’d like to immediately specify that this article solely relates to heterosexual couples, people that perceive each other not as friends, but possible lovers or sweethearts. If you are going out with your male/female chap, who has always been your friend, you should close this page and forget it until the moment you’ve got a proper date.
Back in times, when male and female roles were clearly defined, such problem as paying the bill did not exist. Well, perhaps, it did for some other reasons, such as lack of money in the pocket, but certainly not because two people hesitated which one of them should take the initiative. In the 21st century things have changed dramatically. Women had proved their independence, and in most of the Western countries it is considered normal if the costs are split between two people, or even if a lady pays for the gentleman. Call me an anti-feminist, the damager of female emancipation, and a greedy devil, but I believe that it is totally wrong.
Of course, every single case should be considered separately. However, in most cases, I consider it’s vital for a man to pay the bill, and my arguments for it are enlisted below.
1. Natural Selection
It’s true that today both men and women find themselves in relatively equal situations. A woman can have a good job, and even earn a better salary than a man. However, originally a man was always considered to be a hunter, breadwinner and supporter of a family.
Even though, in modern times women can earn their living, they still remain much weaker creatures. They constantly keep in mind that at some point in their lives they have to give birth to a child, which is a long and difficult process. For this reason, genetically, a woman would always prefer to rely on a man, to know that he can support her when needed. As funny as it sounds, paying a bill is a symbolic demonstration of man’s reliability and financial capability. In this situation a man shows that he is able to feed a woman. As simple as that.
2. The Flavour of Greediness
In my personal experience, if I am going out with a man, in 95% of cases I would suggest my personal financial contribution. I am absolutely all right with paying for myself, and unless the sum, indicated in the bill, has three digit numbers, I know I can afford it. However, if a man allows me to pay for myself, I will never perceive him seriously. Partially, because of the first point, described above, partially because I don’t want to connect my life with a person that counts every penny. Men, you might not believe it, but for us, ladies, there is no quality less attractive than greediness.
You might be as handsome as Brad Pitt, quote Shakespeare, and have a Ferrari in your garage, but if you are greedy, all these wonderful qualities hardly have any value. At the same time, an average and generous man is as good as gold. Bear in mind – women prefer men to pay for them in the restaurant not because they lack money. I know plenty of women, who, being confident in a man, can give them most expensive presents. They just want to taste your flavour. And the flavour of greediness is very bitter.
3. Cruel Intentions
If the arguments, mentioned above are still not enough for you, listen to the following. Going out is another form of a ritual, when both people get to know each other. You look at each other’s behaviour and try to understand the characters. But, when you already found out more or less what kind of person is sitting in front of you, smiled at his/her jokes, were enchanted by his/her perfume, and are generally positive about his/her personality, there comes another question – how serious is this person about me? Nobody would like to date a person who is not interested in you. Forget about one night stands, I am talking about normal relationship.
There might be various indicators for this. Nevertheless, nothing is more eloquent than paying a bill. Of course, a man can pay a bill and still remain unserious about a woman. But, dear ladies, if he does not pay, there should not be any doubts. If a man allows a lady to pay for herself, he therefore diminishes the importance of this meeting, and a woman is sensitive and sensible enough to understand it.
Thus, here is the brief summary of my arguments. A man should pay a bill because:
- It makes him look better in the eyes of a woman.
- It is masculine.
- It is respectful.
- It is reliable.
- It is sexually attractive.
- It indicates at his interest.
Everything, that was said above might serve as a good guidance for both men and women. However, I would also prefer to give my final tips for the last. Yes, a man should pay the bill, but there are some small things that you should also keep in mind.
- Be modest! Don’t order the most expensive dishes. A man will pay, but you not always can guess what sum of money he considers affordable. Be modest, at least for the sake of politeness, and especially if it is your first date. He will appreciate.
- Allow him to pay. You may suggest paying for yourself, but don’t insist too actively. Men are also looking at women’s intentions, and if you do not allow him paying the bill, he might very fairly consider that you are not interested in him, and this is your last meeting. Besides, it might question his authority, which no men would like.
And the last, but not the least point – enjoy your meal! (-:
UC
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I agree with you, man should always try to pay the bill, even thou I think the idea might be a bit old-fashioned. Like you said nowadays you have a more symmetrical relaxed set of expected behaviors/roles.
What happens is that it is pretty easy for a man just to be selfish and relax and not do anything and let the woman that is after him/is his equal do the stuff.
The more classic romantic approach, less relaxed, is the opposite of this, it’s less selfish where a man works and put his focus on building a home and making a woman happy (paying the bill). This less relaxed view of things, the man is trying to take control of things, change his destiny, get his financial freedom and get the woman he wants and put his energy on building a family.
The classic romantic is easily corrupted nowadays I think for a number of reasons, mostly is frustration and the second is the man being too comfortable. The age we live in is the eclectic one where you mix and match lifestyles and ideas so you don’t get bored. Ok now I will stop otherwise I will talk about the universe. 🙂
Excellent honey x well done
How does the man account for the bill paying abusers though? I have no problem paying for a girl whenever we go out together, but I know a handful of girls who would gladly go out on a mediocre date with a so so guy purely for the free food and wine. Guys know girls are not naive as to think that they are obligated for physical interatcions purely because he pays, so the girl feels like she could easily sit through a bad conversation for a nice dinner and a bottle of wine. I even know girls that have had contests to see who could get the most “free stuff” from dates out with men.
My friend did the eharmony thing for a few months and paid for every meal at every restaurant with every date (accounting for the weak and socially understood rebutles of the girls trying to pay but utlimately not paying in the end). Ultimately he spent close to 2000$ and remarked that most of the girls really didn’t even try to get to know him or open up and that some just seemed “really into the food.”
I agree with everything you said about a man paying, but where is the line drawn? In Asian countries it is always assumed that whoever offers the invitation for the meal pays (no questions ask) whether it be a guy or girl. Would that seem inappropriate here? Appreciate the article though! Brings up a good point that so many single (and committed) people deal with!
Dear drforthright,
Thank you for your comment! It’s really vital to have this point discussed. I guess, it would serve as a perfect source of inspiration for the next article.
I believe, telling that most girls are interested only in food is equal to the statement that most men are interested only in sex. It’s true that some women misuse men’s generosity. However, it is certainly not generic.
I am sorry your friend had to experience this, and I am really ashamed for those representatives of the fair sex who emptied his pocket. Perhaps, a good solution in this case would be a date in less classic circumstances, e.g. a picnic in the park, or a trip outside the city. This would help to understand if a lady is really interested in your personality, save the expenses, and, which is more important, both of you would experience something slightly more entertaining than staring in a plate of food. After you see that a lady is “worth your investments”, go ahead and take her out for dinner. 🙂
UC
Going to admit, there’s something sexy about a man paying the bill. And sweet. And thoughtful. And it makes me feel super special.
Brilliant post and …nice point of view ! …. and so the discussion too…. 🙂
“…enchanted by his perfume…” 🙂
I agree with every single word in this article… well done 🙂
I agree to pick up the tab from the 3rd date onwards (eliminates self-serving food junkies PDQ)or let the woman pick up the pre-dinner drinks tab and I will pay for dinner. I employe the NO FREELOADERS approach thank you very much, if a woman does not have a sense of decency about how to approach this sensitive topic on first date, I can just imagine the high maintenance approach she will employ during our never-to-be-achieved future life together. This princess attitude has encouraged a flourishing male industry in how not to pay for anything, which is of course also wrong. Moderation and balance are usually winning formulas in these types of things.
The author clearly must make easy money quick, but for those of us who work hard for our money the article reeks of self-serving drivel, each point of which could relatively easily be exposed for its intellectual and moral bankruptcy. My mother is a professional woman of a different generation yet to her the idea that a man “buys” the potential for her affection is distasteful and mildly humiliating. I don’t think she is exceptional in this view as I have met lots of women with the same view but also a fair few who love to take excess advantage of hospitality and politeness. I have no problem finding and sustaining a relationship with a woman even when I don’t pay for the first date.
Hi Bob,
Thank you for expressing your honest opinion. I absolutely agree with your statement about moderation and balance, as never in the article it was mentioned that a man should always pay for everything a woman wants to consume. This was meant to be an act of generosity, and courtesy, and by no means sponsoring the “freeloaders”.
Although, I am always open to constructive criticism, and contrasting opinions, I believe that you are too quick with your assumptions about “easy money”, and “intellectual and moral bankruptcy”. In internet language it is called “trolling”. This is not welcome on any web-site with good reputation. May I please advice you to sustain from leaving such kind of remarks in future. Otherwise, your comments will not be approved.
Most certainly your inadequate reaction was caused by your own very painful experience with the kind of “princess” you have just very thoroughly described, which means that, despite your claims to be able to find, and sustain a relationship with a woman “even when I don’t pay for the first date” it might not be entirely true. I hope everything goes well for you in future.
Have a wonderful day ahead,
UC
I am a woman and I have to say I agree with Bob’s comments! I don’t disagree with the traditional role of man as provider, or think that is a bad thing, however there are other ways to provide than paying for a date.
Someone commented about it being really lovely and thoughtful when a man pays for a meal, and I totally agree – it is a lovely thing to do, it should never be an expected thing to do!! How could it be a thoughtful thing to do if the other person expects it? Surely then the man is only doing it because he has to? I always offer to pay my way and completely mean it, I don’t think it’s right to offer if it’s not meant; of course it’s nice if the guy insists that he pays, but I would be equally as happy if he accepted that we split the bill! And when you say the man should pay the bill because ‘it makes him look better in the eyes of a woman’ – why is that? because he can afford to pay for a meal? because he’s doing what you want him to do?
I am also quite offended about your comments about women being ‘much weaker creatures’, and how you gave childbirth as an example! How does childbirth make a woman weaker? What about women who can’t, or don’t want to give birth to a child? Does that mean they’re stronger because they’re not having to deal with childbirth, or weaker because they’re not doing what a woman ‘should’? And also when you said that ‘we’ would prefer to rely on a man?! (For any men reading this – please note that ‘we’ does not relate to all women.) This is a pretty old fashioned view – of course I would love to have a man that I can rely on, but that’s in the same way that I really need friends and family that I can truly rely on. People will always need to be able to rely on people, but by saying that a woman would prefer to rely on a man, I think what you actually mean is rely financially.